Transformers 3D - Dark of the Moon (2011)

I promised myself I wouldn't go see this. I knew I wouldn't like it or worse, be bored by it. I remember the first one was one of the most ugly films made for older children I'd seen with just vile dirty jokes. Now obviously, i'm a fan of dirty jokes but not in film's like this, ones made for children specifically and on top of that, it didn't make much sense either.
Then came the second film, and in my charitablity/stupidity-i hoped for a better film with the creases of the 1st film smoothed out and yet somehow they managed to all be magnified!! Transformers 2 should be investigated by the narcotic substances authorities because it manages to be violent, overblown, narcissistic, sexually and racially insensitive and all the while being thoroughly anti-senseicall, overlong and boring. And I don't have room on the my docket to be pissed with Michael Bay about it because he still hasn't apologised for Pearl Harbour yet. First things first.
But I dragged myself to see it because it promised Frances Mcdormand and like any Coen Brothers fan would be, I was understandably curious.
Well the somewhat good news, written on a bunch of clutched straws is that this Transformers movie (hopefully the last) managed to fix almost every issue (minus the film's length- a bum-numbing, multiple-phone-and-watch-checking 3hrs!). Now let me be blunt, i am in no way suggesting you give this film a second thought let alone pay to see it + plus popcorn and various 3D taxes but in the way that some crimes are less severe then others - this film is parking ticket compared to no. 2's genocidal war crimes status.
I'll give a spurious slow sarcastic golf-clap to Bay for making a film that generally makes broad common sense or at least a feeling of knowing what was going on for an audience and the skydiving stuff was exciting and... John Malkovich was pretty funny as was John Tuturro but these are basic requirements that a film like this should have not celebrations of relative success.
But you know what... I think that Michael Bay despite making some of the worst films i've seen in a cinema, i think he's capable to make something really exciting and amazing, if he could have it written and edited right like say, Bad Boys 2. It's bizarre and frustrating that his talent is apparent by the scale of his failures. Same goes for Shia LaBeouf - i like the guy but he's doing himself no favors doing sequels and franchise movies. They both must be rich enough to have creative freedom and crazy and kooky projects cos we want original material not repeats, man!

I watched Transformers 3D - Dark of the Moon (2011) at the cinema.
My 2011 in Movies will return with Season Of The Witch (2011)...

Shadow Of A Vampire (1999)

I love movies about making movies. 

This is the presumably fictional story of the making of F.W. Murnau's Nosferatu, I say presumably because the film is implying that Max Schreck, the actor that played Nosferatu was actually a vampire that made a deal with Murnau in exchange for the body of the leading lady. Like I say- I'm not convinced it's the strict truth. But I'm not one to say that'll get in the way of a good story; I guess what I found most interesting was how they made films at the turn of the 20th century, like all the technicians on set wore white coats and goggles, presumably to see the world in monochrome. I still don't understand why the white coats.

In hindsight, this film could have been the biggest battles of overacting in film- it features John Malkovich, Willem Defoe, Eddie Izzard, Cary Elwes and the big dog of over-acting himself, Udo Kier. That's no diss to it- I love overacting but sadly it doesn't degenerate into that on this film. Sadly, it appears like Malkovich got a bit shouty and everyone else backed off. There are points where Kier looks at Malkovich like 'Chilllll John, do you want my lunch money? Take it but i'm on a fixed income over here. There's enough movie to go around for everyone, John... 'nough movie to go around for everyone'. Udo Kier being the voice of reason in a movie is like going to an air show and leaving without seeing a plane crash- remarkable but disappointing.
I kid. But if anything you'd have to say there's too much talent in this film and no one really survives a scene with El Malkovich. I mean he's good but like I say..shouty. and I know he's playing a hit on drugs but we don't do the 'I'm crazy cos I'm on drugs' bit anymore. You must have missed that day at Steppenwolf.
But Cary Elwes and Izzard almost make a mark, especially Elwes with his ubermensch haircut and Willem Defoe is petty good as this creepy vampire. It's good to see a non-schmexy vampire- I've never understood how humanoid-leechs, could be considered sexy but I know I'm missing the point.
In a strange turn up and not because It's particularly good though it's fairly watchable- i'd say It's too short. I know I said that if I said a movie was top short it would be high praise but I think the concept is worth more then 75mins.


I watched Shadow Of The Vampire (1999) on BBC IPlayer.
My 2011 in Movies continues with Unknown (2011)...

Jonah Hex (2010)

Sometimes you just watch movies to have an opinion on them. 
Like James Cameron movies.
Jonah Hex is one of those. This mean it is likely to be shit but i'm still excited to see it since, i want to have my own opinion and i want to see where it goes wrong and how it does so.

Before i begin that polite hatchet job of Jonah Hex, i'll start with what good with it. It's short- it's 80mins (inc. 6mins of credits...). This blog's 'reason d'etre' will likely be- films are too long but 80mins is 'hell's bells, that's short' short. That's the size of a HBO pilot but with 4x the budget, which admittedly is pretty much on the screen with practical stunts and explosions. Neveldine/Taylor's script is not horrible, it's passable in so much as there are 'zingy' lines and the story's not so ambitious, it could become stodgy. Um, what else... people had work for a few months in 2009? Anyway, it's basically unmitigatingly crap. But we knew this. We'd heard. The question is why? Where does it fall down? Well everywhere really but mostly the acting.  From the droney Mastodon score to the paint-by-numbers direction. Jimmy Hayward was a Pixar (no-less) animator who got lucky. Hollywood- please stop letting CGI people direct live-action films, it'll never work. I'll admit it's not as bad as when Mel Gibson let his hairdresser direct Paparazzi but that was an isolated incident. I guarantee that from now on. (Fun Fact - Jon Peters, Joel Schumacher and Danny De Vito also started as hairdressers.) I'm not going to address the role of Malkovich in this film. It's not that urgent or important to me, to do so. I could talk shit about his acting but i want to focus on Michael Fassbender. Let me just compose myself, Michael Fassbender. I'm not upset... I'm just very disappointed. So much potential gone to waste Mike...  You were like 5 wins and undefeated in your short career. From Inglorious Basterds to Fishtank to Hunger.  Hunger-what a sumptuous cinematic debut. And then this... Playing irish henchman #1. If that wasn't so abhorrent, you really 'mick' it up to eleven. You're a proud Irishman FFS. It was so bad, i thought you were going to ask Jonah Hex if he wanted his drive tarmac'ed. I expect it of him, he says thumbing at Malkovich. But not you Fassbender. Not you. Apparently other-modern-acting-great Michael Shannon was in this, but I don't remember seeing him sooo... congrats to him. That's the cinematic equivalent of having gym-note from your mother. Not going to lay into Megan Fox cos well, Megan Foxs are meant to be seen and not heard but Josh Brolin has the capacity to be great- very good in W. and No Country.., generally solid actor. Here- phoning it in... just faxing it in. I get overarching feeling all the actors knew this was a piece of shit, the producers set-out to make 5-showing-a-day-for- 2weeks programmer. That this was made for the short-term, not as art made to last the test of time. It's already failed last year.

I watched Jonah Hex (2010) on Blu-Ray via LoveFilm.
My 2011 in Movies will return with Blow Out (1981)...